I'm alive

Yesterday the Department of Home Affairs released a facility online to check your status. Not whether you have HIV or not, that would be a little challenging, but instead and more godlike they can determine whether you are alive or not. And I am alive. Thank god for that.

If you follow this link then you can check your status too. If anyone is dead, then please leave a comment on this post. It would be interesting to see how many dead people are still walking around in this country, particularly given the fact that we are voting next month.

I think that the DHA should have got hold of the Health department and expanded the test to include an online health status check. How tall are you, how much do you weigh, do you smoke, do you drink, do you eat too much read meat. And then if your status is alive, then they could give you an indication of whether you are going to die soon or not. Cool. Collaboration between government departments. What a wow that would be.

Anyway. I will be using this daily to see if I am still alive or not. I always liked the idea of the living dead - vampires etc.

SS to JZ - "free me..."

I was trying to imagine the conversation between Jacob Zuma and Shabbier Shaik the other day prior to his release. Here's how it goes:

SS: "eh, JZ man. I can't stay here anymore. I have done my time man. My arsritis is killing me - there's this big ou - Bongani - who really has it in for me. The pizza is really shit man 'coz the local Debonair's has moved. And jeez man, I am not sure how much longer I can keep up this illness scam. I am getting calluses on my butt."

JZ: "eish Shabbi. Sorry man. I'll see what I can do. I am seeing comrade Balfour tonight about a loan. But in the meantime go take a disprin and a shower - works for me."

SS: "Hey! Can't take a shower man 'coz that is where Bongani is waiting for me. He just keeps on saying "drop the soap. Please drop the soap Shabbi. I can't take it anymore. He doesn't even cuddle afterwards."

JZ: "So what is the problem with that, at least you're getting some love. I'm not into this same sex stuff, but desperate time's require desperate men. Eish, I just thought of something. What about early parole on medical grounds - yah man - you are sick man, really sick. They must go for it, I mean you have been in bed since you got there."

SS: "No more sickness man. I've been in bed for two fucking years my brother. No more. But then again I am getting quite good at it. It may just work. Especially if I remember it's my left leg that's sore - I keep on swopping - thank god no-one has noticed yet. OK, let's do it. Speak to comrade Balfour and I will carry on chewing the fucking chalk. It helps that the hospital food is so shit too. 'Coz who wouldn't look sick on that stuff."

JZ: "I have only one concern Shabbi. If the media get hold of this then we are in the shit - again. I can't sue anyone else for defamation...there is no-one left. You probably find that Zapiro shit will have a field day - luckily I wouldn't be directly linked to the parole decision, but I will make sure some of my doctors are on the medical team. You do realise that your medical condition must be terminal before you can be given medical parole?"

SS: "Ja, ja JZ. I read that part. Listen to this [croaky at death doorway voice]. I am sick doc. I am really sick. Everything hurts. I bleed from my arse everyday after my shower. I have indigestion [from eating too much shit pizza] that eats me from the inside out. My brain wants to explode [from trying to think how the hell to get out of here and how I can get my business back from those NPA bastards]. [Normal chirpy voice] How does that sound my brother?"

JZ: "Good, good. You are a better actor than I am. You should get an Oscar - or maybe a MP post for that. Sooo, let's see what happens with Balfour tonight. I am sure he will comply...I'll just go and get him a bottle of whiskey from Thabo's collection. Sure he will like that.

Some advice about Bongani. Take the dispirin before you shower..."

SS: "No man, JZ. That won't work..."

JZ: "Of course it will. Put the pill between your knees. Tell Bongani you have a headache today."

SS: "Must go, here comes Bongani with that tub of margarine again."

JZ: "Yah sure. Hey Shabbi, you know that interest you claimed back from the NPA. Can I have some? I am buying a new car - found another stupid bank to give me some credit."

SS: "Ja sure. I am sure my kids can eat some more maize for a few days."

JZ: "Cheers my China. You're the best."

SS: "Gotta run. Bongani is rubbing that marge on his - oh god no! Bongani stop it man, not here. Let's go somewhere private - I've got a reputation to uphold."

Bongani: "Ja Shabbi and I've got a need..."

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