Intense, deep, elegant, cleansing frustration

Arrgghhh!!!

I woke up yesterday with complete loathing at the thought of having to get up and go to work. Today, sitting at my desk, I felt like getting up and walking out - preferably never to return.

Working for the baas (boss) is unforgiving, soul destroying and utterly numbing. In my parents generational sensibilities, I have trudged on, forcing myself into this mould, almost accepting the inevitability that someday, I will be retired with a paid mortgage and a few grandchildren, and a life to be moderately proud about. Fuck!

Everyday I think that I have potentially wasted the last 5 years. I have allowed mediocrity to take hold with its spindly fingers around my neck, throttling out the last of my creativity and individuality. Oh god! I am becoming just another nameless, soulless, passionless lump.

I have been thinking for the last few weeks that I need to formulate a plan to get the hell out of here. I know what needs to be done, the dedication. I do not lack desire, but the responding action is just not there. This path that I follow has drained my of the desire to act, yet not calmed the hatred for this path. Which means I just fucking hate what I am doing and have no energy to escape, so end up hating it and myself even more.

There is something better, but the baas and his "rewards" have drained my entirely of the youthful exuberance and devil-may-care attitude I held so dear in earlier life.

So the lesson in this all is - just be aware of how you feel inside.

- It is so easy to just let things happen to you instead of making them happen for you. Time runs off quicker than you notice and it is tough with all the additional pressures resulting from family and work commitments.
- Choose your path well my son, becuase sometimes the path takes you to places you did not have in mind.
- Set your priorities carefully. Money is not everything. Everybody says it, but it is becoming all the more important as everything costs more for us all. The gaps are forever widening between the haves and have nots. This is our world and our kids future we are toying with for very short term gain - relatively speaking.